Author: Andrew Allen

Dear Reader, You’re wasting your life. Seriously, precious hours of the day are draining away, and you’re not playing the “Assassin’s Creed: Revelations” multiplayer beta. It’s only going to be available for three more days, damn it! Rectify that shiznit. What’s that, you say? You say you’re not a Playstation Plus member? Of course you’re not. If you were, you’d be in a Somali prison right now, because Taiwanese hackers would have already made their way past Sony’s pathetic online security and sold your identity to international terrorists. But there’s good news: you don’t need to poop in a hole…

Dear Reader, “Max Payne 3” is finally getting a little clearer in front of us. After years of speculation and rumor, Rockstar announced today that the title will hit shelves in March 2012. Of course, the fact that they don’t set a specific day means this is dubious at best. Take it with a grain of salt, people. Also, as if under their breath while coughing, Rockstar also announced that the original “Max Payne” will endure a port to “mobile devices.” I don’t know what that means or how that’s possible, but it strikes me as a bad idea. I’m…

Dear Reader, Dear Lord in Heaven, please tell me that Dr. Noh isn’t watching this right now. An associate of mine came upon this exhaustive, fascinating and just slightly cruel infographic about the evolution of video game controllers, and where the Wii U fits into that storied family tree (you can see the original link here). Of course, I must needs deduct two bajillion cool points from whomever made this for neglecting the “Steel Battalion” controller. But perhaps they were right. “Controller” is too small, too condescending a term to encapsulate your interaction with SB. It was more of an…apparatus.…

Dear Reader, Let there be zero confusion about one simple fact: “Deus Ex: Human Revolution” is one of the best games of the year. Some dude from Bungie once said that the art of game design is nailing five seconds of fun, then repeating it over and over. DE found its five seconds, and then some. Still, I do think there are a few flaws that keep the game from the kind of classic status I would afford “Mass Effect 2.” It’s nothing to sweat about, Square Enix, the original ME wasn’t a classic either. You guys got a hit…

Dear Reader, Uh…exciting new developments in the…er…world of “Battlefield.” Yes. We learn many new things about the upcoming title in this video. What are these things, you ask? I have a very good answer for that. Ahem. Thing number one: did you know that you can crouch in “Battlefield 3?” It’s true. Okay, I have no actual reason to post this video other than I will come up with any excuse to stare like a dumbfounded chimpanzee at this gorgeous game. Just grant me this, Dear Reader. I ask so little of you. _AA you a big dummy! 

Dear Reader, I like Telltale Games, and I like “Jurassic Park,” so I can’t think of any real reason not to be interested in this, but is anyone else just kind of not getting there? You have to wonder what the impetus is for this title now. Is it because Spielberg is ruminating about JP4? Does Telltale just really love the first movie, and now they’re in a position to do a little fan service? Either way, they look to be doing a faithful rendering of the subject matter, which is all you can ask for in this world. I’m…

Dear Reader, I told you I was going to give some love to “Metro: Last Light,” and I meant it. This was only reinforced by me checking out the original recently, and being very impressed. So here’s a nice, long sample of gameplay footage from the upcoming title. Open your mind to new possibilities, and give it a look. I think they might really have an outstanding title on their hands here.

Dear Reader, In an inversion of the natural order that would make Lewis Carroll dizzy, “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3” will take the moral high ground and deploy on Steam. That strange, tingling sensation Activision is feeling right now comes from doing something nice. It’s unfamiliar to them, and doubtless they will soon shiver it off and return to their mountain cave above Whoo-Ville. This news, coupled with our previously reported lack of “Battlefield 3” on Steam, is the death of a sane world. I’m not without appreciation for the “Call of Duty” franchise, but it has evolved into…

Dear Reader, So a little thing called PAX went down this weekend, maybe you heard about it. Our own Dr. Noh attended the event in all his glory, so you’ll have to talk to him for the straight dope, but EA apparently took the occasion as an excuse to release some new screenshots from “Mass Effect 3.” And an informative bunch of images they are. I felt like I understood the game in a whole new light after seeing these. Seriously, hit the jump. You’ll see what I mean.

Dear Reader, First of all, sorry about the lateness of this. Secondly, “CS:GO” baby! We’ve got a hot, sexy new trailer and some equally provocative screenshots. But you is gonna have to hit the jump to get the whole kit and caboodle.

Dear Reader, The beginning of a game is a tricky period. The developers need to impart a lot of wisdom to you, you’re trying to get your bearings, it’s like a first date in many ways. As a result, some foibles inevitably crop up, and I thought I’d detail some of my least favorite below. Hit the jump, Dear Reader. As always. Hit it hard.

Dear Reader, Although no one’s going to call them masterpieces of game design, the first three “Mortal Kombat” titles are some of the most nostalgic, “remember back when” experiences in fighter history. So of course, beginning August 31st, Warner Bros Interactive is going to bundle them all up and sell them to you. That’s not particularly surprising. More surprising is the disgustingly sensible price point—ten bucks/800 MS points—and the savvy implementation of live play and leaderboards. Of course, I wonder with dread what a leaderboard for one of the most famously unfair and unbalanced games in history is planning…

Dear Reader, Do you tire of the company of women? Has the female gender worn out its welcome in your life? Then GUNNAR Optiks (I assure you, none of that was a typo) has exciting news: they’ve just released a new product that is guaranteed to keep you absolutely lady-free for the foreseeable future. I’m speaking, of course, about their new “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3” branded gaming eyewear. The press release is overflowing with juicy details: it has an amber tint. It has adjustable nose pads. It has, wait for it, spring hinges (get the #$% out of…

Dear Reader, On this edition of “Talking To Games”–which for the uninitiated is exactly what it sounds like–we’ll be having a quaint fireside chat with the newly released “Deus Ex: Human Revolution.” Yours truly has put some solid hours into this thing, and there’s much to discuss. Let’s not waste any time. Hit the jump and let the dialog begin.

Dear Reader, Hi, how are you? How are things? Shut up, I don’t care. Stop everything you’re doing. Stop everything you’re thinking about doing. If you’re resuscitating an old lady right now, and she’s just starting to come around, I want you to stop. Because I have “Prey 2” screens. Oh brother, do I have “Prey 2” screens. Many of you weren’t at E3, so perhaps you don’t realize the depth of raw, undulating awesome that this game possesses. Take my word for it: you need to care about this title. You need to care about it a lot. Hit…

Dear Reader, Apparently, those insidious geniuses at EA have decided to port some permutation of “Battlefield 3” onto your iPhone. Very little is known right now about the title, but have a gander at some new screenshots after the jump. One of them suggests we’ll get a decent multiplayer offering as well. Still, maybe “Infinity Blade” has spoiled me, but I’m not blown away by the graphical horsepower here. We’ll have to wait and see.

Dear Reader, You wouldn’t always know it to look at me, but I actually have something of a moral compass, especially where games are concerned. There are titles I won’t play, or won’t play very often, because I feel they lack integrity or substance. 99 percent of violent video games feature combatants engaging other combatants, and I have no problem with this, but when we get into killing innocent people, or go too far with the violence, I start to politely back away. “Manhunt,” for example, will never find itself in a console I own; I’ve never cared for “God…

Dear Reader, We on this site make very little bones about our love of Valve. One might say we make as few bones as possible, possibly even no bones. Zero bones. And so, in the spirit of said bonelessness, I give you the trailer for the next release that still isn’t “Half Life: Episode 3,” “Defense of the Ancients 2.” Enjoy!

Dear Reader, WB has finally debuted a trailer showing Rocksteady’s take on Mr. Freeze for the upcoming “Batman: Arkham City.” The voice sounds like the same one from “The Animated Series,” or at least very similar. And the suit, while a little top-heavy, is appropriately futuristic and cool. Just one more reason to get my panties all in a wad over this game.

Dear Reader, With the DLC market continuing to expand, one of the most delicious new developments has been the re-engineering of classic titles like “Duke Nukem” and “Perfect Dark” for the consoles, at bargain prices. Everyone wins. And yet, I admit a certain frustration that some of my most beloved classic titles have still failed to make themselves available to me for $15 with the click of the A button. Or the X button, you Sony nerds. Hit the jump to see five games I demand on the console digital marketplace.

Dear Reader, I’m unveiling a new article type today, called “You Got My Attention.” For anyone who knows what that’s a reference to, congratulations. For the rest of you, go kill yourselves. Anyway, in this piece I’ll highlight an upcoming game that has recently sparked my interest, normally with a decisive new tidbit of information. For this week, that title is “End of Nations,” the upcoming F2P title from Trion Worlds and Petroglyph Games. Take a gander at this sexy Gamescom trailer action, then hit the jump for some more details and why I’m interested.

Dear Reader, It’s time, yet again, for Versus. For the uninitiated, this is when I write an article from both sides of an argument, and let you decide which one hold more water. This time, I’ll be examining the controversy surrounding Blizzard’s recent decision to require internet access to play “Diablo III,” even in single player. Hit the jump, and let’s make a memory.

Dear Reader, There has never been a more potent reminder that ad agencies and game developers are not one and the same than “Dead Island.” After a jaw-dropping teaser that had nothing to do with the final game set the world on fire, the actual product now emerges shakily from behind the curtain into a blazing-hot spotlight, taps the microphone, and asks in a timid voice if “this thing is on.” Based on my limited time with it at E3 and the trailers I’m seeing now, nothing’s blowing my skirt up. I could, in theory, be down for an open-world,…

Dear Reader, Word on the street is that “Mass Effect 3” is going to feature a 3-player co-op mode, set in a series of unique missions that run parallel to the campaign proper. Besides the obvious questions of veracity, we also have to wonder if such a thing would make it all the way from a Bioware board room to our home entertainment systems. Multiplayer modes get cut from games like it’s their job. They almost cut the multi from “Halo.” But putting such considerations aside for a moment, the most basic question is whether this is a good idea.…

Dear Reader, You know, all our talk about “Metro: Last Light” got me thinking: many franchises stumble in their original form, only to find their footing and definition through perceptive hindsight and a polished sequel. I’m not saying “Metro” is necessarily destined to be one, that’s still anyone’s call at this point, but I thought it’d be fun to list the top ten franchises that needed a sequel to really get off the ground. In order, of course, from least miraculous reinvention to most. Hit the jump to see it.

Dear Reader, Christmas come early, kiddos! The long-suspected, basically inevitable sequel to “Borderlands” has just been announced by Gearbox and 2K Games, with plans to debut it at Gamescom and then PAX Prime a few days later. Predictably, there are no real details outside of your typical “better, faster, stronger” industry fluff, but I think we should start seeing some hard data sooner rather than later. The game will actually be released in 2012, although the exact date still seems a bit loose. Honestly, I have zero interesting news developments for this one, so I’ll just pontificate for a second…

Dear Reader, Dr. Noh and Mecha were…less than pleased with my recent oversized helping of truth concerning “Bastion.” They brandished their normal threats for whenever I dislike whatever obscure anime real time strategy porn they’re fond of, and I thought little of it. True, they’re both formidable opponents in hand-to-hand combat, but we live in different time zones, so I’m in the clear until E3 2012. And by then they won’t remember. But then Dr. Noh dropped a bomb I didn’t see coming: he called me “so negative.” He further postulated that it would be good if I “liked something”…

Dear Reader, I’ve mentioned before that I admired THQ’s taking the fall for “Metro 2033” not selling well, and insisting that they would push forward with a sequel on principle alone. My curiosity was peaked by this apparent breathless idealism (if it can be believed), and it led me to actually try out the original for myself. I was very impressed. I think “flawed masterpiece,” the term THQ coined for it, is about as perfect a description as possible. It has problems, but it’s also a breathtakingly beautiful and atmospheric experience. Anyway, I’m really looking forward to “Metro: Last…

Dear Reader, Okay, someone (other than Destructoid) has to say this: “Bastion” is a perfectly adequate game, and that’s it. This thing may be the overhyped title of the summer. The one really cool thing about it is none of the things that everyone keeps talking about. Hit the jump and let me explain to you why “Bastion” is not as awesome as you’re hearing, and you may just want to save those MS points for something else. I recommend “Baby Maker 5: Do Or Die.”

Dear Reader, Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. As you may have heard, but it bloody well bears repeating, “Resident Evil 4” is going to be all up in that on XBLA and PSN this September 20th, for the totally reasonable (albeit not earth-shattering) price of $20. If you’re some kind of Godless communist and haven’t played “Resident Evil 4,” this is your chance to rejoin the civilized world. “But I didn’t own a Gamecube,” you protest. That is no excuse, you should have bought one. “Luigi’s Mansion” was a small price to pay for such a perfect game. Fortunately,…